Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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