I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
