The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
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