the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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