You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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