i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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