eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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