would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I am spending my child support on dildos
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
