The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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