I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The Olympian is in my bed
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
