Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
