Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
