i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
