yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
