I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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