I just threw up on my dentist
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
