Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
