just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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