I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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