twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
