I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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