I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize