Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
