But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
