Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
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