When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
