The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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