Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
