Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
