It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You dont lie about slip and slides
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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