In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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