I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
