ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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