After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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