that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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