Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
