So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My vagina is officially offended.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
