Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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