That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
