Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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