people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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