Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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