my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
