I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
