I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
