Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
