words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
