This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
