I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
