i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
