Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
