Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
