she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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