I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
