Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
