I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
