I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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