I hate all girls vehemently.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
