Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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