I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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