Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize