it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
