it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
